One time, I missed my train home from work. I’d seen a man in an army uniform get on board, so naturally I had a panic attack on the platform and hid behind a vending machine. Triggers can be such dicks.
Triggers make you feel like you’re re-experiencing a traumatic event. When faced with the original danger your brain stops some functions so it can focus all of its energy on dealing with the threat. Sometimes, your brain doesn’t process the trauma into a memory. Even years later, the traumatic event can feel like it’s still happening when set off by a trigger.
They can be objects, sounds, smells, or even feelings. Some are obvious but others can be harder to understand. But your brain has somehow assigned them as the warning signs of danger.
Here are a few of mine.
1. Smarties Cookies
James* gave me smarties cookies pretty much every time he raped me. It was manipulative and an attempt to ameliorate the situation. It was an unspoken agreement that he would rape me and I’d shut up and eat my cookie.
He wanted me to eat them with him. He got upset if I didn’t. So I’d eat them shortly before departing and make myself vomit when I got to a toilet or a bin on the side of the road.
5 years ago, if I had to pass them in a supermarket, I’d walk as far away as possible. It developed to the point where any sweet snacks made me throw up. Things are a little better now.
2. Men’s work boots
James used to wear this type of shoe. He stood on me and kicked me.
3. Armed Forces Uniforms
All of them. Including ones that weren’t connected to my life at the time.
I think James’s ambition to be in the marines and his love of Armed Forces films ingrained this as a trigger.
I don’t come across these uniforms often. But when I do, I have a bad reaction. I once came across an entire squad in an Asda supermarket and abandoned my shopping trolley in the aisle.
4. Belts
The look. The sound. The smell.
I used to go shopping and walking past a belt rack would make me sick. One day I remember forcing myself to approach them. Some days I am better than others.
My husband sometimes wears belts. I’ve noticed he holds the buckle so I don’t hear it clank.
Some days I choose to wear a belt. It takes me a good 5 minutes of looking at it curled up in the bottom of the drawer before I can even touch it. And then I regret the decision as soon as I have to go to the toilet.
5. Ticking Clocks
The time I was raped and choked on my living room floor, I counted the seconds on the mantelpiece clock. I did this as a distraction. Trying to focus on anything other than what was happening in the room. (Read – ‘Age 14: The first time I thought I was going to die‘)
After that, whenever I heard a ticking clock I would get anxious and scared. My pulse would race and I’d get hot and sweaty. Even if they were just on TV. The trigger snowballed to the point where I couldn’t be near anyone who wore a watch.
I had Schema Conditioning Therapy in 2017. Part of that included exposure therapy to ticking clocks. I talked about my fear and my therapists told me that clocks weren’t anything to be frightened of. In fact, the mantelpiece clock had helped me get through the traumatic event.
This trigger is less impactful now. I’m still not able to wear a watch myself, but who needs a watch these days?
6. Car cigarette lighters
See why – ‘Age 14: The road I was raped on, and the damage that was done‘.
7. Being alone in a room with a man I don’t know very well
Especially if they are between me and the door.
8. Swiss army knives
I really struggle with this one. James used his swiss army knife to hurt me in lots of ways.
A year later, I asked for my own when I turned 15. Weird present request I know. I thought having one would make me feel safer and more in control. It just stayed at the bottom of my sock drawer until one day I came across it, had a huge panic attack, and got rid of it.
Despite being a massive Daniel Radcliffe fan, it’s the reason I’ve never watched the film Swiss Army Man. It doesn’t really affect my day-to-day much. Just please don’t pull one out to open a bottle of beer if you’re near me.
9. Wearing my hair up
I used to always wear my hair in a ponytail around the time of my abuse. Now, every time I wear my hair up I feel under threat. But I keep trying and every time gets a little easier.
10. People touching me unexpectedly
Especially if they come up from behind. And touch my hair. If it’s in a ponytail.
A male colleague used to sneak up behind me and make me jump in the office kitchen. He had no idea, but every time it would send me into a silent panic. Then I would go to the bathroom and cry.
I’ve got other triggers too. Security guards. Crowds. The song ‘Hang On In There Baby’ by Johnny Bristol. Tesco stores. Police. People walking behind me. The movie ‘Full Metal Jacket’. (See why – ‘Age 14: The first time I was raped‘).
Some of my triggers have improved over time. Triggers I come across regularly are the ones that have less effect now. A natural exposure therapy I guess. I’ve found that choosing to face some of my triggers on my own terms has really reduced their effect.
But triggers can be such dicks. They can still catch you out on a bad day.
What are some triggers you’ve experienced? Have you had any success in reducing their impact? Let me know in the comments or over on Instagram.
*In order to maintain their anonymity some names and identifying details have been changed.